No offense, but...

No offense, but... you're ugly and I hate your face.
No offense, but... even the mere sound of your voice from yards away makes me nauseus.
No offense, but... I disagree with every decision you've ever made in your life.

Strangely enough, those were all still offensive. Fascinating the way they maintain their sting even though I've said the magic words beforehand!

Lemme try it another way. Maybe I just used the wrong magic words.

Nothing personal, but... everything you just said equates to complete and total tripe.
Nothing personal, but... you and people like you anger me with your utter ignorance.
Nothing personal, but... everyone knows you married for money and money only.

I must be doing something wrong.

I don't know where or how it came to be that these words replaced "please" and "thank you" as the magic words-- but for adults-- and became the socially acceptable equivalents of notices that you are about to be insulted in just...a...few...seconds...

The translation of these phrases is simple. "I want to tell you this, but I don't want you to be mad at me." Well, roll the dice because by the time you're about to let go of a phrase that requires such language, you deserve whatever reaction comes next.

There's a complete and total lack of humility in sentences that begin as above, not to mention what follows. Probably a lot less than would actually be required to allow the full productive impact of the information contained.

May I suggest something better, perhaps? Most people accept critique better when its oozing with self-awareness. For example...

I know I'm not one to talk, but... your butt looks enormous these days.
I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but... you're really one of the worst employees I've ever had.
I'm sure there are things you would change about me, but... I wish you were about 2 inches larger.

So much better, right?

I recommend humility for all your blunt trauma needs.