I Can Cry For 3 Hours!

Last night on the way back from the movies (Funny People- I'll review later), I got a bad feeling. My husband, who rarely travels, was scheduled to drive out to Indianapolis early on Sunday morning.

I was getting flashes of a car accident. Something about a truck coming in towards him on his blind side... it was sketchy as to the details (thank goodness) but I couldn't talk myself out of it. This scenario kept replaying in my mind.

And then I was getting glimpses of trying to raise a kid without him. Moving back home with my mother and step-father. Trying to get my mother to figure out how to live with my two English Mastiffs. Quitting my job. And every day, waiting for someone to tell me that it was just all a big joke and he was coming back afterall.

I don't know where it came from. We had just picked up pizza, had a good night, and there was nothing on the radio in particular to trigger it. I couldn't shake it, so of course, it started the flood.

I tried to stay quiet, but it didn't work. I tried eating the pizza to make me feel better, but it didn't work. All along, my husband was trying to comfort me, kind of bargaining to see what would make me feel better. "How about if I call you every half hour?" My mind immediately thought, "that's not preventative, that just means that if you wait for 31 mins one time, I'll know what happened... or worse, that I'll be on the phone with you when it does."

Then we tried to go to bed. I was watching one of my usual bedtime favorites-- Lockup. (Ever notice it's always on, no matter what time of night it is?) There's always something comforting about watching prisoners. I have no further explanation for that. But even Lockup couldn't get me out of my funk. I even tried convincing myself that this was pregnancy hormones, but to no avail.

He was planning to leave "very early" in the morning, which equates to approximately 5:30-6:30am. That meant, if I fell asleep, I'd wake up and he'd be gone. I wasn't sure if that was going to be a permanent condition, so I was in the middle of resolving that I'd stay awake all night just to extend our time together and be able to say goodbye before he left just in case--when he told me that he was willing to leave on Monday instead if it made me feel better.

It did.

But I needed chocolate to stop crying anyway. Turns out, I can cry for a really long time once I get going.