The One Thing I Need for my Almost Induction

I moved my weekly NST appointment to Monday so that I could go on the drive to my favorite pumpkin place on Tuesday.

I knew my blood pressure would be high, but I didn't expect it to get to 163/107, so it was no surprise when Lindsay and Dr. Bayliss insisted that I go to triage. The rest of the conversation was a surprise, however.

Lindsay: So, he's going to recommend that you deliver.
Me: Well, yes I'd imagine so. But, when?
Lindsay: Now.
Me: *gasp* What do you mean NOW?
Lindsay: Like, we're going to call your practice and tell them our recommendation.
Me: Wait. Who is on call today? Which doctor?
(paper rustling)
Lindsay: Hm.
Me: Oh no.
Lindsay: Ok, don't panic.
Me: OH NO! You're just messing with me, right? Is this a maternal-fetal medical joke for people with high blood pressure to test it?
Lindsay: *laughing* No, unfortunately, he's on. But, it'll be ok. Maybe you'll just deal with the midwife. I'll be right back. I've gotta page him.

...I sit and question my reality...

Lindsay: Ok, we're just waiting for him to call back.
Me: So I'm thinking that karmically, I've done something wrong.
Lindsay: *laughing* Why? Because of that doctor?
Me: Well, figure that there are 9 doctors in my practice and 7 days in a week. The one week I move my NST appointment, and I end up with a delivery recommendation on his day. I'm clearly being punished.
Lindsay: *laughs* He's not THAT bad.
Me: *glares*
Lindsay: Ok, he's no fun, but he's good at what he does!
Me: Yeah, as long as it doesn't involve speaking to patients. Ugh, ok.
Lindsay: You'll be fine.
Me: You know, I can come back tomorrow morning. I haven't sent out my expense reports yet. Or, packed a bag.
Lindsay: You'll be fine. I'm gonna call and check that you got there-- don't escape on me!

...I sit and try to accept my reality...

I am given permission to walk (instead of be wheeled) down to triage. Lindsay calls ahead and tells them to let her know when I get there. I couldn't even bother being offended at the suggestion that I might not be compliant with directions. I'll freely admit that I considered sneaking out and returning the next morning when a different doctor was on.

All I could think of was all the things I haven't yet done. I knew delivery was coming up, but wasn't clear that I could be subjected to a "now" timeframe. Panic.

When I'm nervous-- and especially in medical situations, I joke around a lot. I get EXTREMELY casual. It's not really an act, per se. It seems to be the way I am but at lightning speed.

So, through triage registration, I'm joking. When I'm led back to the room I'll be in, I'm joking. When they tell me to put the gown on, I'm joking. And then the door closes behind them to leave me to it, and I start crying immediately. PANIC.

Instantly I'm aware that I have absolutely no control over anything happening to me, to my daughter, anything.

And my mind is making lists. I haven't sent my expense reports. I haven't packed a bag. I haven't cleaned off the front door. I haven't vacuumed the floor of the hall closet. I have a hair appointment tomorrow. My nail polish is chipped. Thank goodness I showered moments before coming in here today. I didn't shave my legs.

I had already spoken to my husband, of course, and he was leaving work to go home and feed the dogs before coming to the hospital. He calls as he's about to leave and says, "what should I bring?"

A phlebotomist entered the room.

"What should you bring? Um, bring make-up."

...he quickly says ok and hangs up. I put my phone down and look at her. "Bring make-up? Is that what I just said? Is that the most vain thing you've ever heard?" The phlebotomist laughs and says, "nah, it gets pretty bad around here." And, I'm sure it does. But where did that even come from? Who am I? "Bring make-up." I walk around half the time without it, now I'm having a make-up emergency? Not a book? Or, a phone charger? How about a laptop?

I guess it was about the lack of control. If the one thing I could control was the looks of my face, then that's what I was going to do. But, I was already wearing make-up anyway. Apparently my panicked mind thought I'd like some more on standby.

Eventually, we ended up not needing to stay. Despite the crazy blood pressures, my blood work had gotten better, so I had a "stay of execution" so to speak and was assigned an induction date of Thursday, Sept 24 at 8pm. We're hoping the midwife who attended to us in triage will be the one to deliver-- and she kept me from needing to deal with the dreaded doctor I don't like-- but we will see.

I guess I learned one important lesson about myself. When there's nothing else you can be sure of, keep your make-up bag nearby. I guess if all else fails, you may as well have highlighted cheekbones and emphasized lashes to dazzle yourself with.

Because even when you can't control your environment, you can control your face.