A Constant Pattern of Critique

I don't know what it is about being pregnant that subjects you to public review.

In the beginning-- and certainly before there had been any abdominal swelling-- it communicated some unintentional permission for people to pat, rub, and glare at my stomach. I find these things both intrusive and creepy. I think a lot of us do.

At one point, my mother-in-law's husband asked me in his thick Southern accent and with his usual blank, blinky expression how everyone was doing, then slowly scanned his way down my body from my eyes, down to my stomach, and back again. I suppose this last manuever was to signal me that he was referring to myself, my husband, and my 2-3 month old embryo. I understood without the creepy old man routine, but as is my typical M.O., I squirmed away a bit, answered "good, thanks" and quickly changed the subject as I walked away. If I'm being completely honest, he is a bit of a creepy guy-- but he's got his ok moments, so we try to ignore the bad ones.

Recently though, every time I see my mother-in-law (or her husband), I'm given an even more personal sort of review. A few weeks ago at their house for dinner, just after I had finally gotten some much-needed highlighting in my hair, her husband looked at me just as described above and I braced for it... "Wuh wuz eet? Wuzit the baybee? Wuzit the jahb? Wuh turned your hayir grey?" I practiced some deep breathing-- the type of coping skills we teach kids to prevent tantrums. (By the way, my hair looks NOWHERE close to grey.)

Then, just yesterday my mother-in-law herself exercised her own form of torture. Following her usual loud and abrasive (though well-intended) entrance to the premises, she came over to us and smiling told me, "you look tired!" (I didn't feel tired.) I simply said, "wow, thanks" while laughing politely. My husband reinforced my sentiment with a well-timed, "nice to see you too." My mother-in-law just laughed at this.

There was this awkward pause that was built in for her to apologize, or reword, or make a joke of it, but none of those things happened. She just sharpened her blade, scanned my whole body, and said, "well, you look pregnant!" (Read: fatter.) I quickly responded, "because I am!" And then she retorts, "and you look it." Again with the deep breathing.

It's times like these that I practice this brand of self-restraint, but spend a few seconds deciding whether this would be a good time to forego the niceties and fire back a nice one liner. "And you look old and as though you could stand to buy a new shirt once every few years" came to mind, but, understand-- it wouldn't make me feel better after having said it. So, thus far, I have not and most often do not, react in such ways. Usually the few seconds it takes to make the decision 'to' or 'not to' is enough to lose the right moment and by then the decision is made for me.

Probably for the best.