In law, everything is judged against what a "reasonable person" may do or think in a situation. Of course, the standard counter-point is that "there is no such thing as a reasonable person."
In psychology, we have somewhat of the same conundrum. When people go through some adversity, trauma, or life complexity, people point to them in current day and say things like "...and you turned out just fine!" But, NOBODY turned out just fine. We don't have a single example of a well-rounded, completely mentally healthy adult. It's like the Loch Ness Monster; you think you see one from time to time, but you quickly realize that it was just an illusion. (Sorry, Nessie fans!)
Whenever I hear the phrase "...and I/he/she/you turned out just fine!" I immediately wonder what about the person is bringing them to that conclusion? That they're walking, talking, and forming full sentences? That they have a full-time job or manage to shower on a regular basis? That they have all their teeth, maybe.
What about the 10 years of therapy that they've been in or will be embarking on shortly, or their pure hatred for their mother, or their fear of abandonment that comes about in their clingy relationships with men? Just fine? Ok, how about their stash of anti-depressants, their need to sleep with a gun next to the bed, or the sneaking suspicion that their parents always loved their youngest sibling the best?
NO ONE turns out just fine. And that's because EVERYONE makes mistakes as a parent, a significant other, a sibling, a best friend or a teacher, for example. Virtually any position that holds authority and therefore trust is liable for permanent scarring-- and that's just the good news.
A complete lack of self-awareness about your issues makes you doomed to repeat and grow them. It also makes you much more susceptible to replicate the conditions in your children because you can't see your own faults clearly enough to correct or avoid them. So not only are YOU not "fine" but your kids will be "not fine" in the same ways and more.
This isn't just a verbose advertisement for psychotherapy, my friends.
The point here is that it's the healthiest people who know they didn't turn out just fine and the REALLY screwed up ones who frequently assert that they have.
But, that's just fine with me. Job security, afterall. I have openings on Wednesdays and Fridays. Gimme a ring.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
This is too funny (I wrote that without thinking. It seems I have a threshhold for funny). I was just thinking about all of the "I turned out just fine" comments yesterday. Given I was thinking in a different context. Things like "I slept on my tummy and I turned out just fine." Yes, but there is reason to believe that tummy-sleeping led many babies to not being just fine- a single experience usually doesn't define the outcome of a behavior. Not that I'm out to lynch the tummy-sleeping promoters, but I haven't been able to help thinking this whenever that argument comes up. I never even thought about it from the perspective of the observation of just fine tends to be incorrect, anyway.
I suppose this is easy for me as there is nothing about my childhood that I want to repeat, so I never have to forgive myself for a behavior with the assurance that I turned out just fine, because I most definitely did not- Wednesday at 10. Does that work for you? ;)
I also love to hear, "kids are resilient", referring to bouncing back from a trauma. My father is notorious for saying that. That is then ,uasually, followed up by, "look at you and your sister, you turned out okay". Sure dad. Liss is on the brink of morbid obesity and I had an eating disorder for 15 years ( that took much counseling to get over)- but we turned out okay! :-p
Kids are resilient in the moment, but the trauma WILL manifest itself somwhow in some form, lter in life.
Anyway...
A parents job is to screw their kids up a little because they'll be teased if their normal and that will screw them up more :p
Post a Comment