Nit-Twit

I have a rough history with Twitter. But recently, I've gotten into it. It feeds me massive amounts of information and I just want more. But despite the sheer volume of civilized people dwelling within its pages, things are much different from the real world.

On Twitter, when someone "follows" you, it's good. It means they want to read what you write. In real life, it's creepy. It means they might plan to kill you.

On Twitter, when you "follow" someone else, they'll often thank you for the compliment. In real life, when you follow someone else, they'll call the police.

On Twitter, when you read and comment on everything you see and just want more, you're part of the Twitterati. In real life, you're a gossip.

On Twitter, when you add celebrities, politicians, and interact with them, you're using the platform appropriately. In real life, you're a #1 fan!! (And, on security's "watch list".)

On Twitter, preaching regularly about your deep thoughts or observations makes you an active user and desirable to follow. In real life, sharing these things so regularly would get you labeled with delusions of grandeur or at the very least, annoying.

How do we remedy these two worlds? I mean, even I get confused. I've had thoughts all day today that I've been fighting off sharing with people. Twitter teaches me that everyone's interested, so I came really close to telling people today that I notice that unless I'm sitting upright, I am always clenching my buttocks. Is that interesting? I don't even know anymore.

Twitter has blurred my lines of tact and common sense. An otherwise sane person, I now interact with Brad Pitt and giggle with delight when he responds. I "retweet" crude messages by comedians. I hawkishly monitor the Real Housewives of NYC for any signs of drama. And I read everything posted by game designers and science mags and am left still wanting more. More!

I don't know which world is right or why. But I'm happy to be a functioning member of both societies. The real concern, however, is when they merge...

When the most popular people are the ones with the most stalkers and entertain them with witty quips at regular intervals to keep them comin'. When I tell my grandmother about the discovery of my favorite sexual position during the Kentucky Derby. When students announce their crushes in the middle of the cafeteria.

Until such time, I appreciate having an outlet for documenting my every experience, thought, and observation. Moreover, I like that others are doing the same. But most of all, I'm glad that when in person, we all pretend it never happened.